She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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