Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
