to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
