I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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