My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
