We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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