Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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