Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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