oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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