Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
