I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
