i wish starbucks made bloody marys
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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