You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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