I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
