I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
