She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize