It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
