Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
Terrible brother advice.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard