If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
