I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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