Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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