you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
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