sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
