you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
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Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
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The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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