What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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