moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize