Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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