we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
