I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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