you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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