Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
