I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
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I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
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How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So vagazzling was a success
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.