My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH