Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.