Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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