I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Randomize
