You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
