im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
