you would pick up someone in the library
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
