I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
