You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
