final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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