I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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