Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm