Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
