if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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