I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
