Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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