i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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