Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
