rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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