Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
