I skipped work to stalk him.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
