Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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