I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
