My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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