My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
